You didn’t realize but I watched you go into school yesterday morning. I watched your large backpack bounce as you skipped into school. I smiled watching your innocent little body happily go into what is supposed to be a safe haven.

My smile slowly turned downward because images of an active shooter in your school crossed my mind. That happens every so often when I feel happy. My mind turns to the worst when I feel content and safe.

These thoughts came to me not realizing what was going to happen later that day.

19 children were murdered in Texas while at school.

Elementary school.

Wide open doors.

You didn’t realize but I hugged and kissed you so hard when you came home. I even served your favorite dinner, Taco Bell.

You didn’t realize but when you fought me to clean up your room, I didn’t fight back.

Nothing was worth getting upset over because there are parents coming home to messy rooms that will never get cleaned up.

You didn’t realize but I stared at your face until you fell asleep next to me in my bed.

The gentleness of your closed eyelids and your plump lips and cheeks made my heart swell of pain and love and fear.

Watching this unfold as a mother during a pandemic, a formula shortage, barely any access to health/mental care, no maternity leave and a time where women are losing rights over their bodies, I just don’t know how much more we can handle.

Since when did it become a punishment to be your mother?

You are my greatest accomplishment in life. Without food, healthcare, family leave or access to my body I have everything with you.

If I had all of those things but not you? I have nothing.

I am you mother and you are safe with me.